Teenage Mutant Ninja Garbage

This isn’t easy for me to write…

Many of you know how much I love and respect the TMNT. From the very first time i saw their incarnation in cartoon form up until their most recent Nickelodeon revamp, I am a die hard turtle fan. But it’s with a heavy heart, and to some extent, a loss of my innocence, that I watched the new 2014 re-boot of the TMNT franchise.

Now, I can go on and on about the grotesque steroid turtles’ appearance but why bother. I can keep an open mind to a new design, I can even allow bad acting, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit and accept a complete raping of the source material. Kids and adults who aren’t familiar with any of the previous turtle incarnations won’t have a problem with this empty tasteless re telling.

I am simply  going to list everything terrible in this movie. Ready? Are you sure? because I will spoil this for you. Keep in mind, there are GOOD things in this movie, about 13% is great. But the remaining 87% is just fluff and empty calories that won’t do anything for you’re soul.

THE BAD:

-Splinter isn’t Hamato Yoshi…

-Splinter has nothing to do with Hamato Yoshi…not even as a pet

-Apirl O’neil knew the turtles as pets in her fathers’ lab..(It’s all connected!)

-She gives them their names because the TCRI program is called “Renaissance” (Clever…)

-Splinter teaches himself Ninjitsu from a book he finds on the floor. (read that back to yourself…in fact, let me repeat it).

-SPLINTER LEARNS NINJITSU FROM A BOOK & THEN TEACHES THE TURTLES BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO AS KIDS. 

-Shredder is a master of Martial Arts, but can be easily fought off by a rat who learned from a DIY ninja for dummies book. 

-Not once did they mention Shredder by name, not even a “Have a nice day Mr Oroku Saki”. But who cares about names really right?

-The Foot clan in this film are a joke, just basic hired guns who never fight the turtles but shoot all sorts of guns for funsies

-Meagan Fox….Beautiful on film but god awful in acting talent. Remember those empty calories i mentioned earlier?

-CGI is very muddied, suffering from that distinct “wet plastic” look we see in all these computer generated movies.

-Mush Mouth turtles, whenever they talk, the mouths, those damn mouths can’t even sync with their voices. just scary.

-Iron Man Shredder, like every post superhero movie, the bad guy will always be in a super robot suit. always. and this movie is no different, not once does Shredder fight the turtles without his robo suit. What happened to being a bad ass from japan? oh that’s right, this movie happened.

-Splinter has no association with Japan, he’s a NY rat who talks like an American, but has assimilated himself and the turtles with Japanese culture. Why? They can just pick a culture and exploit it?  why not Teenage Mutant Marine Turtles? oof. 

-the CGI pizza used in the beginning of the film. why is the pizza CGI? Who responsible this???

-Bullet proof turtles, I don’t just mean their shells either.  But at some point, the turtles become Superman while getting shot in the chest as we watch bullets bounce off in slow motion. that’s not acceptable and also makes these turtles invincible. 

-The turtles never get hurt in this film, just electrocuted and captured. No one gets shot or hurt, but a lot of bullets bounce off them. cool right?? right????

THE GOOD:

-The 4 turtle personalities are captured well. aside from their monster bodies, when they talk you can close your eyes and you just might believe they are the 4 original turtles you know and love. BUT DON’T OPEN YOUR EYES!

-The Elevator beat boxing scene, so gimmicky but it works and it got me to smile. But then I remember this was a full blown movie and then my heart continued to break soon after. 

-thats’ it, those are the only 2 good things about this movie. I’m really trying to recall good things here too. 

In every facet of the turtles, cartoons, comic, or film form, Splinter has always been the wise and skilled Teacher who we the audience could respect. In this movie, he’s just a lab rat who happened to witness bad people doing bad things in a room he was kept in (How Wise and Masterful).  What we get here is a simple lab rat who learned to read and pretends to dress like a Ninja Master. The real anguish, anger and struggle of the turtles lore was always the history that came from Splinter and Oroku Saki. All of that culture and mythos is gone and what we were given is a disconnected Shredder who has to fight the turtles only because they are getting in his way. Sorry 1st issue of the Ninja Turtles, you are worthless in this incarnation.

Ultimately, the movie just doesn’t have any heart, magic or a soul. In a time where we can make the unreal completely believable on film, the new Ninja Turtles movie is just void of any real cinema magic to make it last the test of time. I feel bad for kids who will love this movie and ultimately grow up in a world where these are the Ninja Turtles. We live in a world of selfies and pretty objects so I can’t blame society for not knowing the real story of the Ninja Turtles. I’m sure there are digital support groups for those who have had their innocence taken. Platinum Dunes are to movies as Candy are to teeth, in the end they are only going to rot a part of you.

but wait…their is a sliver of hope for you all. See, I’m going to paraphrase the good 11th Dr on this one so please just indulge me:

We all change. When you think about it, we’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s okay, that’s good, you gotta keep moving, so long as you remember… I will not forget…Not one day, I swear. I will always remember when the Doctor was me”

I will never forget when these where, are, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

tmnt 1990 cover